The Sex Taboo

Note: Discussion of sexual slavery, harassment, and unsafe family environments. Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Sex.

With the mention of this word, my elder’s eyebrows would immediately rise, mouths gape open, and time would move slowly as they ponder my upbringing. With the sole emote of sex, I would be silenced and hear words like sharam, meaning shame. Considering this, why, when given an activity defined as a human instinct, does it exist as a taboo in the South Asian community? Have we always been this way?

While more widely accepted and normalized in the West, the space for discussion on sexual activity in the East, specifically South Asia, is limited behind closed doors and is not discussed freely with others until after marriage. Safe discussions considering sexuality and questioning gender are rare. Post marriage, sex is traditionally spoken through visual metaphors or in the context of child procreation. While it may seem like these beliefs are rooted in tradition, this was not always the case.

Before colonization and the arrival of the West in the early 15th century, sex was viewed as a spiritual and natural occurence— a true culmination of human instinct. Sex was considerably less a taboo as seen in current day society. As a response to this, the East was viewed as barbarians and sexual deviants to the West. At the time, homoeroticism and sexual imagery was common in all forms of Eastern art. Examples could be seen in books like the “Kama Sutra” or poetry during the Islamic empire.

Before the presence of Western imperialism, individuals expressing sexual freedom and/or identifying within a third gender would be greatly respected, especially, the devadasis and hijras. Devadasi is a title given to women who are devoted to a deity or a temple for their entire lives. As part of rituals or ceremonies, they performed classical Indian dances and maintained a high social status within the community. When it came to sexual partners, they were not tied down to marriage and monogamy was not expected as the devadasis aimed to serve God. On the parallel, hijras are a sexual and gender fluid community in South Asia. Before colonization, they would also maintain a high social status and were involved in taking care of financial responsibilities and more. Their choices would not be criticized as there were no strict labels for sexuality or gender.

Similarly, around the time of the Mughal dynasty, it was considered normal for everyone to harbor partial or full romantic and sexual feelings for the same gender. As a result, they believed that there should be no penalty for expressing it; even poets and royals would be open about their sexuality through homoerotic art and poetry. Kings and individuals in power would have mistresses of all gender identities with no criticism from the public— except the West.

Yes, the West.

The sexual freedom exhibited by South Asia was seen as savage and in need of reform.

As a result, the colonization of India greatly impacted the sexual liberation in a negative way. With the arrival of the British Raj in 1858 came the concept and enforcement of the traditional nuclear family. The nuclear family is generally defined as a construct of a heterosexual cisgendered couple and children. While their policies were aimed for the “greater good” on paper, they mainly benefited the high-caste and bourgeois view of sexuality and feminism.

The British wanted to push their ideals forward and “purify” the residents of a foreign land. Due to this, it deteriorated much of the sexual freedom in the past to better uphold Western beliefs and to give leadership to those that best represent Eurocentric ideals. They stripped away the platform of the devadasis by working to outlaw the tradition, leading to the socio-economic tragedy of their community and now being a marginalized community of sex slaves with few protections of their rights. Hijras, too, faced marginalization and isolation. To best ensure that individuals would fit Western and heteronormative ideals, the colonial state aimed to paint hijras as criminals and delinquits as they were the farthest removed from the Western image. Even to this day,they continue to be oppressed. Along with all of this, the West brought in strict labels for sexuality and gender, resulting in increased homophobia and an emergence of the vilification of sex.

This repression and conservatism can also be seen in post-colonial times. Currently, in Pakistan and other Muslim-majority countries, U.S. interference has been responsible for many conservative campaigns shown in Western propaganda. In the pursuit of oil and power, they have sponsored leaders and organizations like the Taliban that were radical extremists. While the U.S. later stepped back on these sponsorships, it led to the loss of many lives and a rise in the policing of women’s bodies and sexuality as a whole. Thus, many of the countries that are deemed as “backward” or conservative today were a result of outside interference— not their own values. Thus, the “sex taboo” was largely manufactured from a conservative society that should not have even existed in the first place.

The effects of this taboo is clearly shown through intergenerational trauma. Megha, a student at the University of Central Florida, stated, “I have never had the sex talk with my parents, even mentioning something similar would make them unhappy and angry.”

When all we know has been the action of being silenced, our elders can not even conceptualize the concept of sexual freedom. Perhaps, the constant policing that our ancestors have faced in the past and the traumas experienced during colonization have impacted both those in the past and us now.

When all we know has been the action of being silenced, our elders can not even conceptualize the concept of sexual freedom. Perhaps, the constant policing that our ancestors have faced in the past and the traumas experienced during colonization have impacted both those in the past and us now.

Similarly, Aisha, another student at the University of Central Florida, mentioned hiding her relationships and any dating history from her parents. “If my parents found out about my romantic interests or feelings, they would be uncomfortable and punish me,” Aisha said. Given these statements, we have a right to be angry and reclaim the sexuality and freedom that was taken from us and reclaim the taboo to enable a more accepting society in the future.

Due to the voices of activists and scholars, the knots and pindrops around the discussion of sex, sexuality and expression are slowly being untied.

While it may seem that our culture is tied by the shackles of taboo and that our present is bleak, the sun is slowly starting to rise above the horizon. Due to the voices of activists and scholars, the knots and pindrops around the discussion of sex, sexuality and expression are slowly being untied. An example of this is the Aurat March held in Pakistan on International Women’s Day. The purpose of this demonstration is to amplify the voices of South Asian women that are tied within the caves of patriarchy. Through movements like this, the abysmal effects of the silence surrounding sex are slowly coming to the forefront and important discussions are finally occurring. In India, there are laws being passed decriminalizing homosexuality that finally allow society to envision a future where a petal from the past can safely reside.

There are also cases of women speaking out during the #MeToo movement and being open about their sexual harassment. This arrives even with the strong culture of victim blaming and never centering sex within a conversation. Looking at this, slowly, individuals are starting to break the thick wall of colonial influence and taboo.

However, what can we do? Given the systemic, large scale problem, is there any hope on a personal level? At the end of the day, it starts off small, including powering through awkward and difficult conversations. Starting an open and safe dialogue with friends may be the first step. With this, it may be easier to eventually learn to navigate similar conversations when approaching family. However, at times these conversations can lead to unsafe situations, so establishing boundaries and working within a comfort zone is important too.

Given the large spectrum and range of sex, sexuality, gender, and more— the best way to abolish the taboo is to be comfortable with it within yourself and understand it on a deeper level. Rather than attach shame or preconceived notions to sex, embrace it and understand it for what it is— a natural process and a human instinct.